Last week, Randy and Keaton, two men I am lucky to have as friends, got married in a lovely ceremony in a garden in Dallas, Texas, surrounded by loved ones.
I’m not an emotional person, so I’ll skip the sappiness. It was beautiful and simple and romantic and loving and happy. It was.
But I’ve been to so many weddings that the emotions have taken a backseat to the dancing, drunkenness, and need to look fabulous. Weddings are rarely about true love for me. They tend to be more about having a good time. Sure, there is an ever-present need to force the love down everyone’s throat, but it never really got to me on an emotional level.
This wedding, however, was different. Not because it was two men. Not because I am a firm believer in marriage equality. Not because it was my first wedding in Texas.
This wedding was different because, right before my eyes, I saw everything that I have been taught about ultimate love redefined.
***
I met Randy accidentally in September 2011. We hit it off really well right from the start. While I’ve only seen him once in my life, we’ve had endless email, Facebook and twitter exchanges, often discussing anything from his conservative upbringing to my rejection/objection to any kind of military glorification.
By November, we had very, very, very long email conversations about gay-related issues on a weekly basis. A few weeks later, he told me he had proposed to his boyfriend. This, of course, sparked a conversation on gay marriage.
Being in love with his boyfriend and a father of 3, Randy felt that it was important to make that commitment. Marriage, after all, for many, many people, has always been a kind of goal in life. You are not complete until you’ve found the person that completes you.
I spurted out my expected societal pressure lecture and went on and on about how marriage was a construct that was forcing us to live in misery and divorce and contracts and expectations and love and freedom and and and.
***
I have issues with marriage. Not gay marriage specifically. Any kind of marriage. While my position is a bit more developed than this, I just find it obscene that two people in love would have to ever sign a contract. It contradicts my vision of love, trust, and happiness.
But we live in a society that glorifies marriage, and in a society in which the ultimate representation of love is marriage. Your relationship doesn’t get legitimacy unless it is bound by marriage. You start your future, your life, and your family by getting married.
That’s what we have to work with.
That also basically means that, no matter how much two men or women love each other, if they can’t get married, they never reach that scared representation of love. It means that straight love will always be looked on as better/more important/healthier than gay love.
When we grow up, as gay men and women, we don’t get any example of this pinnacle of life, love, and family. We are always meant to feel that we can never actually live up to that. This has a very real impact on gay people.
***
As I stood there, watching Keaton resting his head on Randy’s shoulder, I got it. I got why this was important. I understood why people were fighting to get (gay) married.
And as Randy and Keaton’s friends and family watched, this pinnacle in a person’s life, when they commit themselves to someone else, was being redefined to better suit my vision of things, where love is not necessarily between one man and one woman. Where love is love. (Did I promise I wouldn’t get sappy??)
***
I had plenty of conversations with people before, during, and after the ceremony. The one question that kept coming up was “Is this your first gay wedding?” For the overall majority of people, it was.
Hopefully, soon enough, that question won’t even be asked anymore.
ohmyhappiness 
Gazveen
June 7, 2012
“I have issues with marriage. Not gay marriage specifically. Any kind of marriage. While my position is a bit more developed than this, I just find it obscene that two people in love would have to ever sign a contract. It contradicts my vision of love, trust, and happiness.”
But it’s only been recent (~150 years) in the N Atlantic region that marriages should be about love. In fact, there are a plethora of cultures (including those in the N Atlantic region) where love is not the most important factor in marriage, if at all. Certain cultures actually treat marriage as a legal contract between the parties with rights and responsibilities…
Because of all this, I found your analysis rather odd.
ohmyhappiness
June 7, 2012
You’re right. There are many cultures where marriage is not about love. But in the society I live in, it is about love, or at least people pretend it is about love. That’s where my post comes from.
witchylisa
June 7, 2012
I think it’s pretty safe to say that around here, marriage is neither about love or pretending to be in love. It’s about procreating in a way that doesn’t make your father want to kick you out and making your mother stop pressuring you because she…. Actually, I’m not sure why mothers even want to marry off their kids when it’s not just about mimicing social tradtion
abdel (@abdelxyz)
June 7, 2012
@Gazveen absolutely. in islam the idea is that love develops between the married couple who marry for the sake of God. but love is a nice thing, i think.
and in regards to ‘marriage’ – i lean towards keeping the word ‘marriage’ to define a union between a man and a woman, and using another term (not as horrible as ‘civil partnership’) for a couple of the same sex – call it ‘gay marraige’ or whatever – but any rights (eg tax laws, inheritance etc) should of course be the same/extended to straight couples.
…cue the hate!
ohmyhappiness
June 7, 2012
Why the differentiation? If it’s the same thing, then call it the same thing. Equal but separate is a bit dangerous, wouldn’t you say?
abdel (@abdelxyz)
June 7, 2012
* /extended to same sex couples
#mybad
abdel (@abdelxyz)
June 8, 2012
the differentiation being the fact that it is a heterosexual union and of procreation. it’s not separating, it’s acknowledging a difference.
ohmyhappiness
June 8, 2012
So a couple that doesn’t or can’t reproduce should not get married? Or should get Infertile Married?
Hala J.
June 7, 2012
I actually really loved the way you put it. People always ask why gays want to be married if they can do pretty much the same things that straight couples do anyways. You described it perfectly. Thank you.
abdel (@abdelxyz)
June 8, 2012
>>So a couple that doesn’t or can’t reproduce should not get married? Or should get Infertile Married?
– if that was the case you could still differentiate by the fact that it is a heterosexual union
ohmyhappiness
June 8, 2012
When is it right to stop differentiating then? What if it is between a bisexual and a straight person? Inter-religious marriages? Inter-racial? How about between nationalities? Marriage is not about gender or sexual orientation. It is about love or a contract. By differentiating you are segregating. That’s wrong.
abdel (@abdelxyz)
June 21, 2012
in this case differentiating is not segregating – it’s the recognition unions based on sexuality. when labels like ‘homosexual’ and ‘heterosexual’ disappear then we can move towards a single definition for ‘marriage’. apart from the label, everything else is equal (or should be equal) – inheritance, rights, etc.
also, as an aside..there is still enough religious sentiment attached to the idea of marriage for society at large to accept the “equalisation” of gay marraige and heterosexual marraige at this point in time – and it’s not necessarily sinister (though i appreciate it can be, and is). and it is unlikey that the differentiation between a homosexual union and a heterosexual union will ever disappear – because that differentiation depends on the presence of religion…….
…..and it’s not about whether religion/God is wrong or right – we just have to accept the fact that religion exists today and that’s what you’re up against.
Jeffrey A. Ward
June 8, 2012
Wonderfully said.
AlbertoMoreno
August 6, 2012
not just the love…. but when a same sex couple have kids, and on top live abroad in a country with not being close to accept same-sex marrige, being married in your country of origin (where ur citizenship is) will help A LOT if one of them dies…. i am sue. So the contractual part is also very important, very important… makes you fell a bit safer is unfortunatelly but very possible, on of us die leaving a loving partner behind and on top, children…. but above all, yes. marriage is first of all, about LOVE ! 🙂
ohmyhappiness
August 7, 2012
That’s a valid point Alberto! Thanks for reading! I hope your kids are doing well! 🙂