Raja Goes to the Doctor

I hate going to a new doctor/a doctor I haven’t come out to, especially when it has to do with my penis. I’ve been feeling pain when urinating recently, so I went to see this urologist.

In an ideal world, this is how I would’ve liked that visit to go:

– So Raja, tell me, what’s going on?

– It hurts when I pee.

– How old are you?

– 33!

– Wow! You look so much younger! OK, let’s see. Are you sexually active?

– Yes.

– Good for you. Do you have more than one partner?

– Yes.

– Well I’m hoping this is not an STI, but let’s make sure. Did you recently start having sex with a new partner?

– Yes.

– Good for you! How long have you been sexually active with him or her?

– We’ve been having sex for about a month now.

– Great! And do you use condoms?

– Always!

– Awesome! Does he or she use condoms with other partners?

– I’m not sure. I think so.

– That’s always an awkward question to ask your partner, isn’t it? Not a problem. Why don’t you sit back and take off your pants. I’m just going to run my hands under hot water to make sure my hands are not too cold.

[He examines me and then asks me to put my pants back on.]

– Well the good news is that it’s not an STI. The better news is that these pills and drinking water will put an end to it all. The best news is that you only have to go a couple of days without sex.

– Thank you Doctor!

– We’ll do a urine test, just to make sure everything else is fine. If your partner ends up having the same symptoms, then let me know.

– I’ll ask him tonight.

– Perfect. I’ll need to see you again in a week. Actually, how about you come on Tuesday. My new intern will be here, and he’s a great looking, charming man. I’m sure you two will get along great.

– Thanks Doctor!

– No problem! Have a good day, and stay safe. And don’t forget to grab a lollipop on your way out.

Instead, it went something like this:

– Raja Farah. Are you related to Samir Farah?

– No.

– Where are you from?

– My father is from Zahle.

– Ah! The Bekaa! So, Raja, what’s the problem?

– It hurts when I pee.

– Are you married?

– No.

– But you’re having sex?

– Yes.

– How old are you?

– 33.

– Why aren’t you married yet? You wouldn’t have these problems if you were! So, who is this girl? Is she your girlfriend? Fiancée?

– Ummm…yes…My girlfriend.

– Does she have sex with other guys too?

– I have no idea.

– Probably. OK, take off your pants. Let’s see what we’re talking about.

[He examines me with his freezing hands then tells me to get dressed again]

– It looks like it’s just a regular urinary tract infection.

– Is it something that I got from my partner?

– No, it’s not sexually related. But let’s take these tests, just to be sure. You’re going to have to pay for it, because insurance companies won’t pay for your behavior.

– But you just said that it’s not a sexually transmitted infection.

– You’re still having sex with random people. Take this medicine, do these tests, and if you still feel anything next week, come back here. If your girlfriend starts to feel something too, then tell her to take the same medicine.

– Thank you!

– And if I were you, I’d have a serious talk with that girlfriend of yours.

– Fuck off! (mumbled in a really, really low voice)

***

Just FYI, it was a regular UTI and I just needed to drink lots of water.