World’s Oldest City Collapses From Facebook Post

Posted on July 23, 2019

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July 23, 2019- The city formerly known as Byblos, Lebanon. Earlier today, Byblos, known locally as Jbeil, collapsed suddenly, after over 8000 years of surviving. The world’s oldest city is no longer. The collapse happened when Hamed Sinno, the lead singer of Mashrou3 Leila and a notorious fan of Madonna (pre-1990s), posted an article he did not write on his personal page. He posted the article gayly.

“I tried to warn people,” explains Dr Naji Hayek, protector of Maronites, defender of (Christian parts of) cities. “We Maronites have been here protecting this city since its foundation 8,000 years ago. Never in our history have we seen anything as catastrophic as this. Hamed did not only post the article, he posted it in the gayest way possible.”

The article in question sparked anger in the very well informed and completely tolerant Maronite communities around Lebanon. Overnight, priests, politicians, and other traditionally fair people tried to warn the world that Hamed Sinno and his band were going to destroy the ancient city by standing behind a microphone and singing about love, tolerance, and gin.

The Maronite Bishopric of Jbeil was quick to put on hold its ongoing and thorough investigation of pedophilia in the Church to release a statement warning of the impending doom of the city.

Byblos

Homosexual acts have taken place in every place shown in this picture of Byblos.

“Strangely enough, Byblos has survived invasions by the Egyptians, the French, the Persians, the British, the Crusaders, the Ottomans, the Phoenicians, the Greeks, the Assyrians, the Romans, the Mamluks, yet it was the unstoppable posting power of one man who brought the city down,” explains historian Tarek Wakim. “Also interestingly, Byblos has had its fair shares of homosexuals hanging out in it, from Alexander the Great to Richard the Lionheart, without forgetting the back-up dancers of almost anyone who has ever performed in Byblos, yet their homosexuality did not compare to the levels of homosexuality radiating from Sinno.”

Meanwhile, Hamed Sinno, the destroyer of cities, did so without even realizing how powerful he was.

“I was just hanging out in New York City, where I live now, and read an article about trans* people that I thought was interesting, so I shared it on my Facebook page,” he explains via phone. “I have to admit, I was in fact gay when I posted it, but I really didn’t think it would destroy an entire city. At best, I hoped it might get people to think about issues that are important and relevant.”

Unbeknownst to numerous people living in Jbeil and in Lebanon, homosexual acts have been performed in the city since ancient times, including as recently as 2 minutes ago with that cute fisherman that owns that really pretty boat at the entrance of the port.

“We should kill them all, one by one,” explained Charbel Mikhael, a devout follower of Christ. “I kept posting on Facebook that I will kill anyone that gets in the way of Jesus’ message of love and tolerance, but it was too late.”

While the city has been completely destroyed, its citizens have all survived, allowing them to continue to warn us against the evils of singing, dancing, and loving.

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